How You've Handled The Death Of A Parent

[ChristianTroy]

Hi there, I wasn't really sure in which forum to post this, but I thought when this board ever helped me to find a conclusion then in this thread, because many had to go through a situation like that!

 

Last wednesday my father died, very surprising because he has just recovered from a surgery, he was running everyday, was going to the gym 4 days a week and he was very fit for a 72 year old man. He was a man withh a big heart but it was also his heart who made him problems, he got recently a pace maker and had 2 heart surgeries before!

 

Last wednesday there was obviously a clod in his heart and he died within 1 second. My cousin and I wanted to visit him last thursday, found the newspaper outside at 4pm and the key stuck from inside. We called the police, they broke the lock and there he was sitting in front of the PC. I haven't seen him because I want him to remember as the strong and active man that he was.

 

Now here is my question:

for those who have lost a parent, how did you handle it?

 

I am sad, and the first day was very hard but somehow i seem to be the one in the family who handles it best, almost too good!!! My brothers (50 and 48) are way more down than me. My Mom, she works on a cruise ship sometimes, giving seminars will return today, she had no chance to come earlier.

 

My borthers and me taking care of the funeral and it was me who had to inform the rest of a huge family and his best friends. My brothers are barely able to make decissions while I dont seem to have a problem to do that! I just want to get over with the process. My daddies last will was a cremation instead of getting burried, so there will be 2 funerals, one with a coffin and 2 days later when we bring his ashes to the cemetary.

 

I am wondering of my grief will break out by then. Right now I am almost guilty for not suffering enough like my brothers, maybe I haven't really realised it or I am just happen to be heartless? My mom handles it very well, it is part of her profession to escort people to death, she is a buddhist she belives in reincarnation, she doesn't need my help at all, so she told me not to cancel my tickets for next thursday back to Los. Next thursday we burry his ashes at 10am and 10 hours later I am on the plane and that is actually what I prefer to do!

 

Someone of you experienced something similar because I am reall wondering what is wrong with me?

 

 

[Nervous_Dog]

Hi CT, My dad who I was very close to died 12 years ago. unlike your dad he died over 3 months period, which sounds aweful, but in hindsite gave us all the time to say fairwell, tell people who where close to him to come and say good bye etc.

 

Despite the pain, that helped us cope, and I think cope better when the end came. Being taken suddenly, while thought of as a blessing as it gives the departed a quick exit, sometimes leaves someone like you wonder and greaving about what you could have said.

 

Say it anyway, I have no idea if a god, or a bunch of them (I kinda like the whole Greek Roman thing) exist or not, say it any way from your heart that you miss him and why.

 

The night my dad died I was at work, expecting it, however when I got the call I found I didn;t want to go home, I was happier amongst people I knew. My boss a mad greek said "He dead, he can;t help you now, I here, I help you, you work ok".

 

And oddly, while it seemed calous I did.

 

The real problem was my mum. My parents lved in a city half way between my brother and I and my sisters, so that travel was not easy. She became very depressed and refused to sell the house or move quickly. They had been married over 60 years so for her it was like the loss of part of her body.

 

Stoopidly us kids didn;t force her, or push her to move to be with us until she was very very depressed. And obviously, someone depressed is nt a fun person to be with, so we tended to be short at times. She too is budhist.

 

Again in hindsite this was dumb of us.

 

So, your father has gone, I have no idea how your relaitionship was, your mum is the one to really look out for. My mum also said don;t worry about her, ask people like Cent and Dumbsoda and they know she's tough, but she also has a soft sie, I bet like your mum.

 

I think of him often, when I need advice on managing peoople or making a hard decision, I ask myself, what would he have said? And even if I don;t like the answer, I think about what he prob would have said.

 

It takes time, I didn;t cry, get emotional, but I was sad, and now that I have kids, I miss him more now, than when he first died.

 

DOG

[Central Scrutinizer]

CT,

 

I am sorry to hear this. You have my sympathies on your loss of your father. My father passed away 2 years ago next month. I don't know what I can say except it is hard. My Dad was loved and had cancer for years. We had time to see him and say goodbye/let him know he was loved. He is definitely missed every day. We all handle grief in our own ways. For me it was just to go on with life, as death is a part of life. Weird thing is sometimes you almost forget they are gone. I sometimes catch myself thinking, "I'll have to send Dad this book. He'll like this one." They are never gone really, not in your heart and mind.

 

Just be strong for those in the family who have a hard time bearing up with the loss of their loved one, and get on with life as your Dad would likely want you and everyone to do. I guess what I am saying is close to what Nervous Dog's mad Greek boss said. And yes, his Mom's a tough old gal, a lady.

 

My condolences for your family CT.

 

Cent

[rickfarang]

"for those who have lost a parent, how did you handle it?"

 

The loss of a parent can be the most traumatic experience of a lifetime. Please accept my sympathies.

 

You are wise to remember your dad as the strong and active man that he was. Most likely, he spent most of his life that way, and that is the way to remember him.

 

It takes time. Sometimes a lot of it. I lost my dad, also fairly suddenly, nine years ago. After several years, the feeling of loss has been replaced with a feeling of appreciation for all of those things in the world that are better than they would have been had be not been born. And that includes just about every positive thing I have done with my life. And in my children's lives, and those of their children.

 

Your dad was an important part of your life. Even though you cannot talk things over with him anymore, or even pass along an interesting observation, you can ask yourself "What have dad done?" and still both derive the benefit of his guidance and keep his legacy alive.

 

Yes, I still miss my dad.

[was_usvirgin]

,Someone of you experienced something similar because I am reall wondering what is wrong with me?

 

 

I think that we all handle these situations in our own way, and that no apologies are necessary.

 

My sincere condolences for your loss, but family members will take their usual roles in these situations, and you don't have to feel guilty for being yourself.

 

[Topcatta]

Nothing wrong with you.

 

You have to make up your mind if you wanna continue the grieving with your family or do the grieving on your own in LoS. Mourning can intensify the family connection and bring good feelings. But LoS can also work as a great mourner. That is for me it did.

 

Years ago I was called back from LoS for my father's death. I was informed by my Thai boss that he had deceased but something got lost in the translation: he was still alive and waiting to see me! I was so fortunate to be with him for 3 full days. He was going in and out the hospital for a number of years already but I found it at my age 'unfair' that he would die on me but when he finally did I was in peace with it. Arriving from the plane on a sunny day with freezing temperature, embraced by my family made me feel stoned. The whole thing including the cremation and mourning felt like a movie...3 weeks later I returned to LoS and locked myself up in my room and stayed there for a week, crying only. Had to get myself back together to make it to work but somehow I did. I fucked around a lot which appears to be a natural phenomenon concerning death. LoS helped me a lot!

 

My father is still with me. I feel him in Nature especially. He taught me to love Nature and he walks infront of me when I am climbing the mountains of Taman Negara, swimming under a waterfall, or spotting creatures of the wild...

 

Mam and him were having a traditional marriage: Silverback and Slave and I had actually thought she was gonna form a problem having no friends of her own. But in no time she popped up and felt finally free to do what she wanted and built up a whole network of friends.

 

Troy, my condoleances.

[Old Hippie]

CT,

 

Again, My deepest sympathies. Dog already said

 

"...Being taken suddenly, while thought of as a blessing as it gives the departed a quick exit, sometimes leaves someone like you wonder and greaving about what you could have said.

 

Say it anyway, I have no idea if a god, or a bunch of them (I kinda like the whole Greek Roman thing) exist or not, say it any way from your heart that you miss him and why..."

 

To which I would add, say it, but also show it. Say it and show it to all those left in your life now. Remember all the lessons he taught you, all the good he brought you, and in that sense, he will always be a part of you, and live on with you in spirit. And share all those things with others along the way. Take care, the best for your family.-OH

 

[AF16]

Sorry for you loss.

 

I were about 21 when my father died. I was attending school at the time and had some tests coming up so after the funeral I locked my self in for two days, pulled the cord to the telephone and listened to music.

 

Did not talk to anyone, did not read for the tests, did nothing but listen to music.

 

Then I took the tests and went on with my life.

[AF16]

.... I did not visit his grave between the funeral and until two years ago when my wife dragged me there. She wanted to talk to him and she goes there once in a while to have a talk.

 

I do not like going, I prefer to remember the man he were.

[ChristianTroy]

Thanx to all of you,

thank you for sharing such an important event in your life with me to make me feel better. I appreciate that a lot, it's very moving and you really helped, every single one of you!

 

Being taken suddenly, while thought of as a blessing as it gives the departed a quick exit, sometimes leaves someone like you wonder and greaving about what you could have said. Say it anyway, I have no idea if a god, or a bunch of them (I kinda like the whole Greek Roman thing) exist or not, say it any way from your heart that you miss him and why.

 

Thank you ND, yes I consider it a blessing that he didn't have to suffer, it was his wish to die this way. From the buddhist point of view his soul decided to go. When there are people who make a list what they want to achieve in their live, my Daddy was probably one of the inventors, without a plan for the next day he wouldn't want to wake up. I can proudly say my dad achieved everything he wanted to do in all parts of his life and I am happy there aren't points he didn't crossed of his list!

 

ND, I will exactly do that, I will talk to him in my mind and I will talk to him with my voice and tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him. According to my moms believes and what she teaches other people, his soul is 40 days very close to us before it will reach it's final destination, she said communication is possible! She is one of the best in what she is doing, kinda a celeb in her profession and since I loved what she said I want to believe it!

 

He is definitely missed every day. We all handle grief in our own ways. For me it was just to go on with life, as death is a part of life. Weird thing is sometimes you almost forget they are gone. I sometimes catch myself thinking, "I'll have to send Dad this book. He'll like this one." They are never gone really, not in your heart and mind.

 

Imanuel Kant once said, (free translation)

You are only dead when you are forgotten. I think that pretty much is what you said. I can see a clear picture of myself trying to call my dad and report something to him untill I realise that I can't! It was actually really helpful to read what you have said, because it kinda gives me proof for what I like to believe. My Dad is physically dead, but he will live in my heart and my soul forever. What he teached me I will never forget, without his strong hand he made me a succesful man who knows right from wrong!

 

You are wise to remember your dad as the strong and active man that he was. Most likely, he spent most of his life that way, and that is the way to remember him...........

Even though you cannot talk things over with him anymore, or even pass along an interesting observation, you can ask yourself "What have dad done?" and still both derive the benefit of his guidance and keep his legacy alive.

 

Yes, and I know my Dad wants me to remember him strong. The last time I saw him in the gym and he was impressing me by his willpower.

 

I am asking myself already what he would have done, since the entire planning of the funeral is kinda up to my decissions I am trying to remember what he would like and what not.

 

My sincere condolences for your loss, but family members will take their usual roles in these situations, and you don't have to feel guilty for being yourself.

 

Very good point, thanx a lot! I have always been different in my family, My Dad had giant Building Company, My mom is a spiritual, My brother is the director of a school and my other brother is is in charge for one of the biggest construction projects in aour region and I decided to build a porn empire which is a great choice to make money but if you'd knew my qualifications and what sort of degrees I have you would break down in tears and laugh your ass off Only a few people know that about me! I will completely take that advice and be myself, I've always been it brought me to places where I wanted to be, so why should I change now! Thanx a lot!

 

The whole thing including the cremation and mourning felt like a movie...3 weeks later I returned to LoS and locked myself up in my room and stayed there for a week, crying only. Had to get myself back together to make it to work but somehow I did. I fucked around a lot which appears to be a natural phenomenon concerning death. LoS helped me a lot!

 

I can see that happening to my as well. Fun and Pain are close together, if you have too much of both you will cry. I am sure I will have my breakdown. I have to go to Los because I just setup a new business there and people rely on me. As hard as it sounds (and like NDs Boss said before) My Daddy is dead but I am alive and I have to make sure my train stays on track, a new business is very vulnerable and needs to be taken care off. I also believe that the party life there will help me to push it further away untill I am ready to sit down and cry for myself!

 

Remember all the lessons he taught you, all the good he brought you, and in that sense, he will always be a part of you, and live on with you in spirit. And share all those things with others along the way.

 

Yes, that is absolutely the best thing to do. My Dad established so many things in me, he never gave up teaching me what was important for him and he was so much more. I am sharing, but right now it is hard to find listeners since my Mom and me are the only ones who can see something positive in his death. I am so happy for him he didnt had to suffer, he had no beef with anyone, he sorted things out in the last months and when he left us he could be proud of his 3 sons and his daughter, he had great wife and great siblings, he did what he wanted to do and he had a happy and fullfilled life and he was privileged not to suffer 10+ years, on the day he passed away he was 1 hour at the gym, running 45 minutes and was playing Tennis Double for 2 hours and he was watching TV, he did the 4 things he loved most in his free time! For him it must have been a wonderful way to die!

 

Thanx to all of you!